If I’d only played it safe…
Taylor Swift
If you could have, you would have. No “should haves” about it.
All therapists have a problem with “shoulds”. Albert Ellis was one of the first people to state “stop shoulding all over yourself”. And for real, therapists don’t always see eye to eye.
Should
(verb) used to indicate obligation, duty, or correctness, typically when criticizing someone’s actions (from Google and Oxford Languages)
Should is often used when we are carrying expectations that come from outside of ourselves.
- Expectations we learned from others may look like:
- I should lose weight. (I don’t want to or need to lose weight to feel healthy, but my parents/peers have provided criticism so now I feel insecure and self-conscious.)
- I should drink more water. (I don’t feel thirsty right now, but I’ve heard that people are supposed to drink a lot of water so now I feel like I’m not doing enough.)
- I have to write more. (I don’t feel inspired, but I feel obligated by external expectations to write more examples because I want my meaning to be clear.)
Our own expectations (or needs, wants, and desires) are worded completely differently.
- Expectations from ourselves may look like:
- I need water. (Water is a basic human need.)
- I need rest. (Rest is a basic human need.)
- I really want pie. (Pie is not a need, and no one is telling me to eat pie. It’s a desire I have that I came up with myself. No moral judgments or criticisms.)
- I’d love to have some cookies right now. (I kind of just always want cookies, honestly.)
A lot of “shoulds” can be changed into needs or wants if it is truly something that you need or want. However, if it doesn’t feel authentic once its changed, it’ll become clear that it was not an expectation you hold for yourself.
- Changing over:
- I need to lose weight. Hmm. Or maybe, I want to be able to move my body in ways that feels good and energizing.
- I need to drink more water. Yeah, I really do need to drink more water. Let me grab some.
- I need to write more. Actually, this is getting quite lengthy. I need to cut this down.
Use these examples to guide your own change overs from “should” to “need” or “want”, and practice as often as possible!
Should have
Why do we hate “should haves”? Because it refers to something that didn’t happen. It doesn’t exist. And you’re beating yourself up about it. It implies that there is a “correct” way that things are and you did not make it so. This is just not true.
Typically, humans make decisions based on the information and energy they have available in the moment. People always do the best they can. (Not the best they can do in their lifetimes, just the best they have available at that moment in time.) If you’re doubting that to be true for yourself, this is your next challenge.
CHALLENGE!
Step 1. Think of a recent situation that has you thinking “I should’ve done… (better, different, etc)”.
Step 2. Replace “should’ve” with “would’ve”. What did you need to do the thing better or different? “I would’ve done (better/different) if I had… (known this piece of information, had more energy at the time, had support from someone else, etc)”.
Step 3. Explore what could happen in the future. “I could do (this thing) in a different way if I… (look stuff up, rest first, ask for help, etc)”.
Step 4. REPEAT! Repeat every time you should all over yourself!
When you have your needs met, activities in your life will be easier. Shoulds do not need to be a part of your life. Criticism (from yourself or others) does not serve you. You know best what you need and want. You are the expert on yourself.
Be well
